Seeking Inner Peace
by Sithstrukk
Summary: Obi-Wan doesn't know why, but he can't use the force. When he goes to Qui-Gon for help, it goes downhill. SiriWan, QuiTahl references. Nonslash. Ansty.


**I don't own Jedi Apprentice.**

Another dreary day passing much like the last. Another day with confusion and remorse all bottled up so deep you sometimes forgot it was there.

But it was always there. The dull, aching knowledge that you just couldn't do anything. It was a physical, heavy weight bearing down on you that stifled every breath and bogged you down in thought.

A wall, one of the thickest of durasteel, had conveniently placed itself in the center of one's heart. All of the sudden, the harmony and confidence you had just fell away like feather; leaving a naked, exposed carcass.

This was it like to live in the Jedi Temple when everyone around you understood. And you alone felt like you had been dropped off a cliff; hanging,

--

Obi-Wan Kenobi was pacing. Pacing his small room, while he was supposed to be meditating. Obi-wan never paced, and few Jedi ever did.

Perhaps, he mused, his restlessness was over Siri. She had never been a close friend, but she had just left on a long mission, and reunions were rare. He wasn't even sure how he felt about this, but it fueled his thoughts. And he couldn't pinpoint any other probable cause. But that possibility was so mundane…

He would have to talk to Qui-Gon. His Master would understand. No matter how embarrassing to admit that after years of doing his best, he was failing.

--

He reached Qui-Gon's quarters after a long, disoriented walk. The Jedi seemed to be expecting him when he stepped in. He was seated on the floor, legs folded and long hair thrown over his shoulders. He was not doing anything, simply… waiting.

"Master, I've come to talk."

"Come in."

Obi-wan sat next to him, his back straight, Qui-Gon didn't move. He waited His blue eyes were contemplating, quietly. At last he spoke. "I've been restless," Obi-wan admitted. "Just… so restless. I can't feel the force, like I once did."

"Have you heard from Siri lately/" Qui-Gon asked kindly. There was no gentle forcefulness this time, like the last time they discussed an incident centering around Siri.

"She just left for a mission. A long one," Obi-Wan explained. His throat had gone dry.

"And that upsets you/'

"I don't know if I'll see her soon. It may be years."

Qui-Gon briefly closed his eyes. Obi-Wan knew he was thinking of Tahl. She had died years ago, and he still loved her.

Did he love Siri? They had sworn to bury their feelings deep down. But now it was slowly resurfacing.

"Separations are a part of the life of the Jedi," Qui-Gon finally said. "But we will all meet again, in the force."

"But something is still impairing me," Obi-Wan said bitterly. 'I haven't felt this confused since I was a child. But that was purely out of frustration."

"And you're not frustrated now/"

"About what?"

"About Siri."

That struck a chord in Obi-Wan's heart. They were in love. All those memories he swore to forget were filling his mind with agonizing clarity.

"Please don't make me court these memories," Obi-Wan begged.

Qui-Gon looked pain. "When… Tahl died, reliving these memories was a necessary part of grieving."

"But Siri's not dead," Obi-Wan lashed out with more meaning then he intended. Qui-Gon looked taken aback; wounded. That was when the Padawan fully realized his shameful mistake.

"Master… I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly as Qui-Gon slowly stood. He was clearly planning to retire.

"I know, Padawan," he said quietly. "I'm glad I could be of help." He turned and walked into the inner room, firmly shutting the door behind him. A minute later Obi-Wan rose, but did not move.

He had reopened wounds for himself; wounds he vowed to never acknowledge. Worse than that, he had reminded Qui-Gon of his love's tragic death. And all because he had become self-centered; wrapping himself up in his inability to use the force.

The key to using the force, he realized, was finding inner peace.

**Ah, the angst. How it speaks to my heart, ;) Reviews are always appreciated!**


End file.
